Strength from weird places

It has been a very long time since I've blogged. Even longer, since I realize, the last blog post draft never made it out.

The days are running together and it's difficult to tell the same story over and over. But the last 2 months have been slightly more eventful. Both good and not so good.

I had a very unsettling thing happen the day before, some of you have already read about it. But, it somehow has calmed me down! Let me back up.

Dom got busy working and then had crash and burn. Some good friends that Dom has had since he moved to the states were out here in May and we were so happy to see them. It was a great weekend of visiting.
Then. Dom crawled into bed. Something wasn't right.
He was very discouraged as was I.
I had family coming, so I was buzzing around preparing for that.
The day my Aunt and Uncle were coming to our house, he came down with a migraine. Migraines absolutely take him out. I was so sad that he couldn't visit with them. He stayed home and we were able to meet with my brother, his wife and daughter who had just arrived from Utah.
Dom did make it to the coast one day, and that was the first time in two years. He still wasn't feeling too great, but I think the ocean was also soothing.
We were able to have visits at our house, as well as some quality time with my niece Cassie on our doctor visit/Sacramento day.

And after all of that. He's feeling better. We think the doctor visit made him feel better. He'd been so worried about his appetite and his liver and that the doctor would tell him that he couldn't go home after all.

Home. We're flying to England soon to celebrate his sister's upcoming nuptials. This has been the light at the end of a long tunnel. I've been so worried about the trip with him not feeling very well, not being stronger than he is, and with the terrible measles outbreak. I've been a wreck. (I have to repeat this because it always surprises someone. Dom has lost all his vaccinations. He has the immune system of a newborn.) This trip means so much to both of us, and it's a marker. It was so far away when he was discharged from the hospital. We'd have loads of time to get stronger, (and gain and lose weight respectively.) And the months have flown by, and neither of us are really where we wanted to be.

One of the things I have shared before that is gobbling up my time is mowing the weeds here at the ranch. I try and get at them every day I can. Now, some of you saw this story on my social media. The other night, after mowing, I came in super sweaty and filthy. I was wiping my face and itching my ear and I thought I accidentally poked my finger too far in my ear. I felt a sharp pain. Then, a few moments later, it sounded like that ear was under water. If I tugged on it, even more whooshing noise. If I pressed on it, it hurt. I had no idea what had happened but I erroneously suspected I'd ruptured my ear drum. I did probably the worst thing possible and fiddled with my ear. I looked in the mirror and there was no sign of anything in my ear. So I irrationally thought pressing it and sleeping on it would heal it. What I think I did is make the matter worse. You see, I had a foxtail in my ear. Every tug and press likely pushed it further in my ear.

But I did all the doctor google searches for what to do with a ruptured ear drum. Don't go under water. Oh gosh. What about a plane? Panic set it. What if I ruptured my ear drum and I couldn't fly? Or the pain would be so excruciating if I did? It hurt to swallow already. What was I going to do? I spent a restless night so sad and somewhat detached from myself. I woke through the night hoping I'd slept off whatever was the problem. No luck.

I woke the next morning, yesterday, and went back out to cut the weeds. It's already fire season, so I can't waste a morning. This time, I wore ear covers and put a cotton ball in my ear. Probably also making matters worse. I finished up, came in for a shower, and wore a shower cap, as I was still under the delusion I shouldn't get my ear wet. My hair was filthy, but I wanted to see a doctor before I got it wet.

I drove off to urgent care complete with work bag to sit in a waiting room full of people as Dom and I do every month. It was empty. The woman at the desk told me she had to ask if they could see me at urgent care, given my self-diagnosis. A young man came and asked me a few questions, went to speak to the doctor and she agreed to see me. Mind you, yesterday was just ten days after the two year anniversary of going to that very same urgent care and discovering Dom had cancer. (Had cancer, he no longer has cancer.)

First the nurse came in for vitals. Happy to learn I have excellent blood pressure even with a foxtail lodged in my ear. Then the doctor came in and poked in my ear and I almost hit the roof it hurt so much. She exclaimed there's something in there. I panicked is it a bug? Is there a live bug burrowing in my ear? The drama. Oh the drama. She told me it was a little bit of weed and the nurse would come in and wash it out. Cool.
So the nurse came in and tried. And tried. And trying meant shooting water straight at my ear drum and every spray was most uncomfortable. And that thing would not budge. She finally gave up and brought the doctor back. At this point I was a bundle of panic and ohmygosh how did Dom endure so much? The doctor had to use forceps and every time she poked around there was stabbing pain and my hands frantically searched for something to grip. (I'm going to say this doctor was not the gentlest.) After the tears were flowing she decided to numb my ear. Numb, shove. The underwater sounds are still going in between the mind numbing pain. She got it! Finally. Wait. There's another bit. By this time I'm yoga breathing and also trying to have an out of body experience.  After a half hour of battle with water and forceps, my ear no longer felt like it was under water. Sweet relief.

I was left alone for a few minutes and then a completely new nurse came in to give me after care instructions and she was so kind. She looked at my unaffected ear and told me it looked just fine. Well, that's good. But she did give me great advice and permission to be in a little pain. I realized I was having a bit of PTSD. From everything we've been through, this kind of made me realize, I'm not healed yet. I've just been in frenzy get all my ducks in a row for work, for family, for ranch, for trip and I haven't allowed myself to feel too much. I felt all the feels after that.

And then I pulled it together to grab some groceries. And a prescription for antibiotics. (Just in case. Which I hate. But I'm taking.)

I came home, put the groceries away and got on the couch, from which I did not get up until bed time. My Dom leapt at the chance to care take. He made me dinner. He made me tea. I messaged Sam to tell her all about what had happened because I just wanted her to know. I realized that I was beginning to feel an utter calm that everything was going, is going to be okay.

Incidentally, this is neither here nor there, but a friend remarked upon hearing I had a foxtail in my ear that she's only ever heard of that happening to dogs. The funny thing is, both she and I have hip dysplasia, which also only happens to dogs. I guess I am a dog?

And, this afternoon, as I was finishing installing a (jenky) drip irrigation for my garden so no one has to water it while I'm gone, I realized I have to share all this.
Because it's part of the story.
Because today, I feel even stronger. It's like the less than 24 hours that my ears were whooshing was enough time to really come face to face with how scared I am about this trip. And I made it. I made it through to the other side. And this other side is absolutely nothing compared to the other side that we keep hoping Dom gets to. He's made it to so many other sides, we've lost count.
I feel lighter now. Like all the worst case scenarios have been wiped clean and whooshed out.

And I am so excited about our trip. After two long years, to be with his family. To celebrate a wedding and life itself. We are so grateful that Dom's brother and sister and their partners have made this possible. We could never do this on our own right now. They've been so generous, as have so many. He just asked this morning if I'd like to go to London, and honestly, I really don't care. I don't need to see anything on this trip but a beautiful wedding, a sweet bride and loads of family. And thankfully, I will both see and hear them.