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| Dreaming of trifle, we'll get here again soon. |
We've been home for almost two weeks now.
It's such an odd feeling as I process all the different times I've shared we're home. And what it means to be home. Overall, we're glad we made the decision to come home, and heal and get stronger. Even if the doctor asked us to stay in Sacramento a little longer yesterday. I think he's very out of touch with the emotional healing process. Science can only get you so far.....then there's healing emotionally and spiritually.
I have one less blog reader today. I just want to take a moment and share that. The mother of a very dear friend, who I know followed along with our journey has transitioned on her own. She was a wonderful woman who touched so many lives, including my own. She will be greatly missed, but never forgotten, and not gone from us.
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Though Dominic's numbers are looking good, he is still quite underweight and weak, I think that's why the doctor wants him nearby. And I'm not 100% convinced the Cyclosporine is on track. Yesterday, the number was too high. Of course they had to call and ask if we were taking as directed. Thankfully, the doctor was in a much better mood than the last time he was out of town. The last time he was so cranky a big black cloud of smoke followed him out of the hospital room. This time, he was chatty and something Dom said reminded him of a movie, which he then quoted and we laughed at just how unprofessional he was in his choice of dialogue....And after he went over all the numbers and made ready to leave, I asked about the biopsy. You know, the one where he pokes knitting needle into Dom's back....and Dom is pain for weeks. And though I know in my heart the Leukemia is gone, I still want it confirmed... He was confused and asked if we needed to set up an appointment for one. No, I reminded him he'd done it before his vacation, and we'd been waiting for results. Oh. Well. He didn't have the results with him, but, no sign of Leukemia. I guess he also was so confident that would be the case, it just wasn't top priority to tell us. (He was confident the day he performed the biopsy and mentioned it was only routine.) So, we take each thing in stride. And press on.
This past week was difficult in other ways. And I am a little mad at myself for not just relaxing into the bumps. I should know by now that we always get through. We do. Even if through is excruciating, even if it means loss, we get through. And we are never alone. Ever.
Dominic looked at me this morning and asked in a knowing way if he's getting his sparkle back. He knows he's getting it back. He actually held conversation with me on the way to Sacramento yesterday. That's kind of a first in a long, very long time. It's taken all his energy to just be for a while now. Yes, he is definitely getting his sparkle back.
We were still scheduled every day this week, as the doctor had not said otherwise, and not been in town to say otherwise. We'd get a day off by the office nurse texting him Dom's numbers and getting approval. We couldn't get a day off Thursday as we were scheduled to meet the doctor that day, so, we only had Tuesday off this week, and now today. Monday, about a half an hour from our return home, I smelled something at first like paint thinner. My first thought was that Dominic was suddenly very ill. Only for a moment. But then, it smelled like fuel. Strongly of fuel. I'd been remarking that I felt like our little mini was a little hungrier than usual for gas/petrol when we got her back after our weeks of borrowing a larger car and after our amazing friend Craig gave her some new brakes. The next half hour, she indeed was so hungry, she ate about an hour's worth of gas in 5 minutes, and I white knuckled it all the way home. We rolled the windows down in 90+ degree weather and made it home.
Can I just make a public service announcement here? I am not a willy nilly person. At all. When I make an observation, it's usually one based on as much observation as possible. Dominic suggested when I first observed we were going through more fuel than usual that perhaps we were using more AC. I reminded him that I'd done the drive all last summer and though we used the other car for 2 weeks, I could still remember how far we could go on a tank of gas. Sometimes, I can get pedantic. But my superpower is observation.
But back to the more mundane. We had a gas leak. I lamented how difficult my life is. I moaned. Even though we have a back up car. Even though we're not stranded. Even though this day of the gas leak, we actually made a half hour detour to pick something up for a friend...and that detour may have saved us from discovering said gas leak a half hour driving IN to Sacramento, rather than arriving home.
Craig came the next night and looked under the hood/bonnet. The leak was easily spotted and much less dramatic than I anticipated.
The next day, Dom and I drove to Sacramento in the other car and made our plan. We called a couple mechanics from our little cubby in the Infusion Center. We lined up a tow truck. We arrived home, settled in. Tow truck driver was a peach. It's usually quite difficult getting people out here, there was a possibility he'd be so late I'd have to follow to the mechanic on the other side of town. But, he met me, glanced at my card, loaded up the car and was on his way. Easy peasy.
And I reflected on how all of the ease of this is possible because we are so cared for and taken care of by so many people. And felt a fool for moaning.
After all that, I set Dominic up with everything he could possibly need, and nipped out to another dear friend Barbara's who had made Dominic a very special chicken dish that I could just pop in the oven. It was so gratifying to come home and see him devour chicken and rice. And then homemade plum jam on toast for desert. Not only did this friend nourish Dom, but she met my heart right where it needed to be met and I felt so much more normal after visiting with her.
There will always be setbacks in life. Even when we think we've had all the setbacks we can tolerate. I thought I reached the end of my tolerance even before I met Dominic. Was I in for a surprise! But, with all the setbacks, kindness abounds.
We are ever so grateful, as this will be a much longer road than we bargained for. Dominic makes baby steps. And we celebrate every one: A walk down a long hall way, eating an entire meal, his body making his own Platelets and Hemoglobin and White Blood Cells. Every day, he feels a little stronger and better.
To go through such a thing as we are going through is no easy thing. He relies on me for his every need. Every need. And I rely on him to see past my weariness and grumpiness and lettingmyselfgoness. Just getting us both out of the house is a massive feat. But, when I see that sparkle coming back, the hope in my heart grows stronger. And. He and I are finally able to dream again.
